Dear Johnny

How sad that all my tears & suffering mean nothing to you but a tool of manipulation. It only goes to prove how mentally ill you are. But what is done cannot be undone. I can only hope that you one day understand the ramifications of your actions. I always felt we were two sides of the same coin, our understanding went beyond the tangible and the norm. But I had sought help for my troubles. You've yet to do so. I knew intimately your demons and I sought to help. And it has only brought me ruin.

You are right about that - had you not pushed, I never would have done what you found so hurtful. But my anger goes beyond the horrible things you did and said, to the things you failed to do. I may one day forgive you for Valentine's Day, my birthday and every other trip. But I will never forgive you for not being there when I lost our baby. You will never be able to comprehend the pain and agony. I had never felt so alone in my entire life. I lost all respect for you then. I'm not sure we could ever be friends. You were never much of a friend to me. I'm not even sure you know how.

For your sake, your father's, your son's, your brother's, and all who care for you, I hope you get the help you need. I hope you become a good person. That's all I ever wanted of you. That and your love. I got neither. Your anger is a secondary emotion; a mask for the extreme hurt inside of you. Until you acknowledge and recognize how deeply wounded you are, it will continue to eat whatever happiness you may have. It has already stolen your youth and your relationships. Will it steal all your future too? I hope not.

You see... that's my love there. it is unconditional. You don't have to shock me with how sick and disgusting you can be anymore. I'll still love you. Just from afar this time. Our future is aborted by your sickness, but I, like your father, still care for you and only want you to get better. I hope to one day be able to accept your apology. Right now I must care for the wounds you have caused. I must heal first before I can accept and forgive.

One day I would like to know you have made it out of the black hole you've been living in. Perhaps the best apology will be to know that you treat all people with respect and kindness. That you treat yourself with respect and kindness. As for me, the wounds will take much time to heal and it will be a long time before I get better. It will be a long time before I become comfortable with being alone again. As for globetrotting, I intend to do my own, on my own.

Thank you for the letter. I can only hope you maintain that sanity. And maintain recovery.

Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I hope to see you living in better conditions.

x

PS Considering the results of our trips, it would be insane for me to be anywhere near you. I'm sure you can understand that. Also, I will push for restitution of a few things. It would be considerate of you to concede this.

If nothing else, understand and believe that I loved you as best I could. It may not be the way you wanted to be loved. But I loved you the only way I knew how.

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Sent to county prison 1-5-2011