Slowing Down

Daniela said something while we were chatting online (isn't it funny that I talk to my roommate via text & gmail chat more often than I ever talk to her in person? I find it cute) that gave me pause. Perhaps my belief and desire for a relationship stem from loneliness? I brushed it off initially, because such emotions are foreign to me. Other than joy and anger, I don't recognize most emotions. Sometimes I don't even have them. Maybe I am lonely? I have to mull this one over. Am I am lonely?

It's a tough question to ask myself because my usual answer is I am always lonely, having grown up alone, an only child, now an utterly complete orphan. But having gotten so used to it, I barely recognize it as anything other than just being me. Je suis seul au monde, c'est ma vie. Alone and lonely... because everyone is lonely, looking to find their other half. C'est normal, like breathing. It just doesn't register. So what I should really ask myself is, am I more lonely than usual? My life is currently filled with a few friends I see on a weekly basis, other friends on a monthly basis, and dates that come and go. Sure I would love to meet my other half, someone who makes me a better person, challenges me in life, and stands up to me when I'm being psychotic, and make good life decisions with me. But I can't complain about what I'm doing now. The sex is infrequent, but excellent. The people I surround myself with are good influences, have good judgment, are gorgeous, have wonderful careers, and they put up with me on good days and bad days. I really can't complain.

As for a relationship... do I have time for a relationship? Not really. I could make time, but that would mean less time with friends.

Maybe I was ovulating when I said I wanted a relationship.

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In other ventures, I went over to Brian's last night. He's hooked on the Beaujolais I brought over some many weeks ago. He's accumulated quite a few Beaujolais since. We had that while he showed me what webdev he's working on. I tested out some of his stuff, found some bugs, talked about contracting, making music, etc. Then he made dinner for us while I played with his Weatherman. We cuddled and made out on the couch and he drags me into the bedroom for sex. I attack him like a sex starved puppy. It's hard to imagine the last time I had sex was 2 Sundays ago. It gets to be about 10pm and I leave, thinking about blessed sleep. Brian stuffs a large ziplock bag of loaded cookies for me on my way out. I woke up this morning to a sparkly and shiney world. Thank you B for taking such good care of me.

Daniela's got a get together thingy tonight for Love & Other Drugs. Tomorrow is drinks with Jason. I'm actually looking forward to it cause I love Bisous. Chef Nicky is in Paris so he won't be there to molest my lips, but Antoine is always at the bar, a beautiful view for all the girls. If Jason doesn't talk then I can always talk to Antoine. In French even. Friday I'm thinking to get my new tattoo and Saturday I have a date with a new guy.

Life is good.