Buried Hurt

There is not enough makeup in the world to hide puffy eyes that sobbed itself to death the night before. I was watching Love & Other Drugs with the roommie and I started tearing up at the breakup scene. Normally I wouldn't have cried at such a pathetic instance, but I am on a liquid diet and I was drinking copious amounts of wine. I went to the bathroom to pee and then just started sobbing uncontrollably. Later I sobbed into my pillow - I just couldn't hold it back at all. And since I was in bed, didn't really want to hold it back. In the end, I needed the purge. There are layers and layers of hurt, anger, and betrayal that have purged itself slowly throughout the months. Apparently not all of the layers are gone.

Damn you, Johnny. There's not enough years in your life to atone for what you've done.

This morning I'm fine, if a bit tired. I slept like the dead. The eyes hurt though. And I've been applying some makeup to cover up the blue circles. Wouldn't want to look bad for my date tonight. Right after having drinks with Jason. This date I met during a tango class. He's been after me for a date for about 4 months now. Not really my type, but I'm trying to be open minded. I'm also a bit bored.

Yesterday I left work early. Having had a latté for breakfast and another latté for lunch, I went and got some soup at the grocery store. Then I went and picked up a bottle of Beaujolais-Villages and 3 loofahs for Brian. Every time I'm over at his place I take a shower, drink his wine, smoke his pot, have him make me dinner, and leave with his cookies. I'm starting to feel like a mooching bandit. Granted, I give him awesome sex however I am starting to feel lopsided on my end of the goods. I keep promising myself that if I ever make it rich I will get him a much coveted $10,000 Eames chair. However, a silent future promise isn't going to make up for me mooching right now.

As for the loofah, I made fun of him for it months ago. The poor thing is so raggedy and has definitely seen better days. I came by and dropped it off as I'm sucking on my last latté for lunch.

He was like... you just came by to drop off wine? Why? Cause it's really good wine, that's why (as if that answered anything). Then I bounced. Wouldn't want him to think I'm getting clingy or something strange like that. Besides, Brian has this talent of being madly in love with his own company that I need to learn. He also resents people who suck up his time. Plus he was working.

Also on the subject of Brian, I complained back in early February that we never go out for drinks or food anymore. He goes, well we're not dating. I go, of course we're not dating! We have nothing in common (which is probably the biggest lie ever). But we used to hang out and go for drinks, hit up a movie, or head out for dinner. But that was back when we hadn't had sex yet. See what sex ruins?! So a few weeks later he walks with me to OTD for lunch. And then we both headed back to work.

But ever since I exclaimed that we had nothing in common, my little conscience was telling me oh no you don't. I drool after almost all his toys - from his MacBook Pro to his baby MacBook Air, his Weatherman's, his iPhones, his White Slab of Elitism, the Kinect, Xbox, his luscious couch I used to live on, his Bodum collection. He adores my taste in wine (any Loire Valley Beaujolais), cars (Audi's), motorcycles (Ducati's), my taste in video games (all the Halo's, Gears of War, Call of Duty, Hitman), my desire to get him drunk so he can talk his head off again, my taste in music (ambient, trance, house, electronica), etc.

So... we do have quite a few things in common. But I think what I meant to say was we couldn't be more opposite from each other. Instead what came out of my mouth was 'we have nothing in common.' He loves sweats and t-shirts. I don't even own any sweats. I'm a Neiman Marcus sort of girl. I'm loud, obnoxious, can't stop talking most of the time and he's super mellow, super chill, laid back, and take it easy. Basically he's everything I want to be when I grow up.

Anyhow, I came home and did my nails, cleaned my room, and worked with Debian.