A lesson in frustration

Last night Jason wanted to talk about my car, my life, and be my friend... he says. So I suggested we meet up near my client's place where I was. Well let me tell you, it's the last time I ever meet him one on one. When other people are around I don't want to kill him.

So we met up. I told him I was moving out of my current place and into my new one. Then my car dies and I want to hold off on buying another car for some time. There's just too much going on in Feb and I don't want to scramble my brains.

"Why don't you just stay where you are?"

"Because I already told her I'd move in. Because I've been living in my friend's guest bedroom for a year and a half now. I need a place of my own with a roommate, not just a room in somebody's house. And my new roommate... She and I get along great and she already got rid of all the other candidates. I can't back out now. I already gave my word I'd move in. It's as good as giving her the money. Barring some life catastrophe, I can't back out."

"Yes you can. I've done it before."

This is the part where I start fuming. But I don't blow up. Yet. But his advice is for me to back out on my word? Has this guy ever heard of trust? Honor? So I got up and left. We walked out and I asked him if he could take me home, or take me to bart so I could take the train home. I gotta be in bed by 8 pm he says. Jesus H Christ. Ok fine, I'm going home. Goodnight. He goes... no I'll take you home. It's 12 blocks away, he says, let's walk. Walk? I'm in my work clothes and heels. Is he so clueless as to make me walk 12 blocks in 4 inch heels? I suggested a taxi. He goes blank. I said, look why don't I just take a cab to bart and you go home. I hailed a cab and took off. He calls me and says let's cab it to his car and he'll drive me home. So I tell the cabbie to pick him up and drop us off at his car. When we get out he discovers he left his keys at home. Another 12 blocks away.

Ok, by this time I'm ready to blow. I said, you go home and I go home and we'll both call it a night. We're walking around looking for a cab and I'm so ready to lose it.

"You know what I always thought about you J? If anything bad were to happen to me, you'd be the last person I'd call cause your cell phone would be off and you'd be in bed by 9. You're completely unreliable, rigid beyond belief, and utterly frustrating! For you it's all about getting from point A to point B. Well for me it's about the journey. Point B means shit if getting there makes me fucking miserable. The sacrifices aren't worth anything if I'm not happy. You might be okay with the way you live your life but I could never be like that. I want to live life to the fullest! Squeeze every drop out of every minute. And if something doesn't go according to plan, I go with the flow and improvise and find the best way to make it better. You? You just fall apart. Life doesn't care about your plans, nothing goes according to plan! Have a good night."

I finally found a cab after freezing half to death and went home. I felt bad later so I text him:

"I'm sorry for yelling at you. You can't help what you are and I shouldn't take my frustrations out on you."

But then this morning I'm still fuming. I never got the chance to get the issue off my chest. So I wrote him an email:

I got really upset last night because you said I should renege on my word to a friend. In my book, that's heinous. You follow through with your word, because if you don't have your honor then what do you have? Money?

And then it occurred to me why that made sense to you. Maybe it's an American thing, maybe it's not, but where I come from when you tell someone something, you mean it, you stick to it and you follow through. But I've rarely known you to follow through. You've always done what's best for you and rarely have you ever stuck your neck out for someone. When things don't go according to plan, you crack instead of regroup. While you think it's okay to go back on your word, I can't. That's what trust is about and that's why I find it so difficult to trust you. Your word isn't your honor. You say you want to be a friend to me. I don't think you know how to be a friend. You have your world, your bubble, your comfort zone, and rarely do you venture forth beyond that. That's why I find it so frustrating to deal with you. The rest of us grow up and learn how to go with the flow while you live inside your rigid world. I'm sorry for losing my temper with you last night, but you have no idea how upset I was.

You and I have vastly different values. Trust and honor mean everything to me. I've stuck my neck out for friends and sometimes have gotten burned and sometimes didn't. I don't regret a thing. My friends are my family and they love me like family. Maybe that's I have so much trouble with you. You don't treat your friends very well.