Spat

The Spat between nodak and I.

Email:

I understand that you're not happy with me. If you don't tell me why, then I can't fix it. Which leads me to believe that you don't care.

If that's the case, then let us both move on to a better pursuit of happiness. I cannot bare the torture of unrequited feelings.

Re:

Not thrilled, certainly confused... but we already talked about this.
Your expectations of me surprised me, and I felt you were upset at me
for spending time with my family. My family is quite important to me.
I didn't want you upset, of course, but then, I also didn't want you
to want me feeling guilty. My relationship with guilt is complex. If I
feel like I should feel guilty, then I try to fix the matter. If I
don't feel like I should feel guilty, I withdraw, and resent.

You are, now as before, free to seek 'a better pursuit of happiness'
- and I wouldn't want to be an obstacle. I do enjoy talking and
spending time with you, but I am not at all sure what to do with that
at the moment. Hence the general paucity of communication.

Also, isn't it "bear," as in to tolerate, as opposed to "bare," as in,
make naked? I'm an anal rententive bastard.


Re:

Yes, I meant bear. Perhaps I can blame this on auto-correct. Or perhaps I can blame this on my distraught emotions. But yes, I've certainly made note of your penchant for all things anal.

To be perfectly honest, the culprit of all this misunderstanding is... expectations. If you only had an hour to spend with me that entire weekend and the rest with your family, I would not be upset. I would be understanding. You're talking to a girl that has no family anymore. I'd burn my soul if it'd bring my family back to me. So I do understand the need to be with family, while you have them.

My expectation was that we were going to see your cousins together. I didn't like having to learn that it wasn't possible... the hard way. A clear message stating your intentions upfront would have greatly helped. A short text "hey, change of plans, gonna spend the rest of my time here w my family with just myself" would greatly alleviate the feeling I was passively ditched.

And in an ordinary situation, with an ordinary person, I wouldn't have cared if I was ditched or not. No dirt off my shoulder. But it came quite as a shock and surprise to me how much it hurt - how emotionally involved I was. I'm not sure what to do with that realization.


PS... Guilt is a passive aggressive manipulator's tool to get others to do something. A cowardly thing to do. I am no coward and I do not use guilt. If reason is enough.