Pensive

The holidays always make me pensive. It makes me a little bit lonely. But that's normal. Everyone gets lonely. And I know I'm in a good place, a place I'd rather be - I'd rather be lonely by myself, than lonely with a bunch of people called family that I don't like. Holidays with family always sucked major balls. I hated every minute of it. And I'm glad I don't have to suffer it anymore. Now I just suffer a little bit by myself.

Sure I wish for family I never had. I wish for a family I like. A family that knew what love meant. I wish I had other people's families. But I know reality and I prefer reality now than reality from before when I did have family. So it's a step up.

Maybe one day I'll have a family of my own. If that happens then I will shape it with love instead of obligation. Maybe. One day.

______________________

In other news, the surgeon came by and snuggled on the couch a bit. He kept pawing at me so I figure get the sex thing out of the way. Afterwards we left for SF and got to Bloodhound for a drink. After the drinks we stopped by Tin for dinner. After Tin we stopped by Lusk for another drink and dessert. After Lusk we went home. I smoked a little pot and he had a few puffs. Then we tried sex again and that didn't go too well. Ha.

And then the next day I got a message to meet up with this guy for lunch. Meh... I'm not doing anything interesting, so why not. He turned out to be a lot more interesting than what I was doing. He was even more interesting than I thought he was. We fought over who was going to pay the bill at Zeytini... I grabbed the billfold and pulled out my wallet and then he jumped it out of my hand. It was a little bit of a tug of war and then he won. He goes... "my mother is coming into town tomorrow and she'll never forgive me if I don't pay." Cute. So he paid. Then we walked down the beach. After the beach we went back to my place for a drink. I got some Martell because the store didn't have any Rémy. We tried it. Yuck. This Martell is gonna go back. During drinks we watched White Collar on Netflix for a bit before he had to go for a business dinner thing. And then I sat on the couch for the next several hours watching 5 episodes of White Collar.

And now? I'm sick of dating. I do have fun. But the fun comes at a cost. They're all the same - career is great, smart, intelligent, emotionally dead inside. I'm sick of them all. I'm sick of playing this game. There's no winning, no right, only wrongs. Everything feels wrong. Fuck dating. I'm hanging my hat back up. I'm logging off my IM and I went and disabled my OKC account too.

The more I look, the sadder I get. The more I try the worse off I am.