Court

My lack of sleep and stressing out for weeks was all for this moment - I was sitting in the witness box, valiantly trying not to look at him. I stared on the wall, fixated on nothing for what appeared to be ages. I knew he was there, sitting next to his attorney. Mark was sitting in the peanut gallery, having escorted me. I knew I needed moral support. And he of all people knew how fucked up life can get. I thank whatever guardian angels that send guys named Mark to my rescue. I think of all the Marks in my life and they're all saviors for my ravaged psyche.

Finally I turned my head and looked at my ex. He was in an orange jumpsuit, no longer handcuffed. My heart was a war drum that wouldn't slow down. And it hurt. It HURT looking at him. All that love. Has come to this. I started hurting all over. My head, my heart, my body, everything just started hurting. And I couldn't stop sobbing. I still can't fathom how betrayed I was. How someone I love so much could do that to me. Could do THIS to me. And continue to do so. How? Why? It's the biggest WTF moment, a moment that lasted years now. There are no answers. Just more questions. More pain. More misery. I still love him. What the fuck is wrong with me that I could love, still love, such a monster? How can I love someone still, someone who betrayed me so much? Someone who hurt me, mind, body, and soul. How can I love someone who violated me in every conceivable way? There are no answers to these questions. Only more questions and more confusion. But this time in court, I told the truth. I admitted to lying under oath to protect him. I admitted the truth out loud for all to hear of my shame.

I was emotionally drained for the rest of the weekend. I didn't have the energy to do much. Weeks upon weeks of sleep deprivation finally came crashing down on me. I napped, slept, and napped some more. I napped by the pool, on couches, on beds, wherever I could. I went to therapy but I kept breaking down and had to leave for moments at time.

Mark, wonderful Mark, gave me a hug after I left the court room. He stayed to hear the verdict. I couldn't stomach another second of being in the same room with my ex. Love, anger, and fear all boiled a nausea in me. The judge awarded all restitution for me. Mark does not like hugs. Come to think of it, I don't know of a Mark who does. Mark is anti- touchy feely ooey gooey. But he gave me a big bear hug as we waited for the elevator out.

I was just glad the ordeal was over. But somehow in the back of my mind I don't think it'll be the last time I hear from Johnny.