Indecisive

Jason emailed me last night. This upset me. But why? Could it be because I still care about him? No. I care about him as a human being and wish him well. I do owe him money though. Someday I'll repay him, but not right now. He's too much of an annoying turd. I talked to the roommate about it, but she was seemed more annoyed by the gaggle of slobbering men around me. I'm annoyed too to be honest. So what's my problem?

I admit to being indecisive. I admit to being addicted to flirting. The attention is rather addicting. But truly, it isn't honest. It isn't even something I want or need right now. I just do it out of habit more than anything. Or addiction. Gah.

So I resolved myself to talk to Neil. He came over last night and we snuggled on the couch with the roommie and her bff while we watched Kick Ass and ate pizza. I do like Neil, he hired me late last year to do a project for the gaming company he founded. Now he's working on starting another gaming company down in LA. I like hanging out with him, I like his brain, his personality. But am I attracted to him? No, not really. So I should be honest and let him know. Just like I let the other dude - Dan, Niki's client go. I'm just not up for it.

Which begs the question... what do I want? Eventually I wanna fall in love again. But the thought of a relationship makes me wanna throw up. So obviously I'm not ready for much of anything. And the strange thing about not having sex for a while is that you don't really want it anymore. I'm actually liking my celibacy. So...

What I really should do is date a woman, or so the roommate thinks. I think I shouldn't be dating anyone at all. I actually want a friend, true genuine friend that doesn't wanna fuck me. Cause right now I don't want to fuck anybody.