Ghosts

This whole proposition thing brought up some ghosts that I never really explored. My shrink wonders why I treat men like disposable commodities. My roommate wonders too. I am bothered by it. It's not like I want to treat them like they're disposable. But I think I figured out why...

There are 2 kinds of males in my life - friends and lovers. The lovers are disposable. The friends are treasured gifts.

The lovers: How they act, how respectable they are, how they come on to me or don't come on at all, sets the tone of whatever relationship we may have. When a guy stares at my boobs, starts licking his proverbial chops, I am immediately (internally) grossed out. I can hear the mental garbage disposal grinding. I don't act rude or show any outward reactions to this. They're nothing to me, so any reaction is just a waste of my time and energies. I used to keep at least 3 of these guys on call to alleviate my fits of boredom. Needless to say, treating people this way is not very nice. I stopped doing this a while ago.

For the respectable lovers, I treat with care and affection. But again, they're disposable. There's always an ending and I let them go gently. I don't keep them around as friends, don't call, don't email, don't contact. Once they're gone, they're gone. What's the point?

For my male friends there are ranges of trust and comfort. There are few I will trust with my life, my will, my finances, etc. It's not about length of friendship for trust to appear. I trust my instincts. When I do trust, there's nothing I wouldn't do for them. And I will forgive them almost anything. These are the guys that have never hit on me, have never disrespected me, have never shown they're attracted to me. This makes me comfortable.

I have never, ever in my life been comfortable around men who show that they're attracted to me. This is a new realization. Even my lovers, boyfriends, fiances. For some odd reason their attraction unsettles me, scares me, makes me uncomfortable. Is this why I treat them like disposable tools? I'm still trying to find out. Does it have to do with how men preyed upon me as a child? My cousin molested me when I was 5. Then when I was 12, my mother's friend of a friend. Again with my sister's best friend's husband when I was 15. Yeah, that might have something to do with it... Ha. Those instances of touching, groping, etc. I don't think the men I date are anything like the men who preyed upon me as a kid. I don't hate men. I'm not afraid of being vulnerable or helpless around men. I'm not a control freak and have no desire to control anyone. But too much displays of attraction is a turn off. A reminder of it? I don't know.