Foundation Feels Good

You would think that as I get older, I'd have a little more patience. Au contraire mes amies, as I get that much closer to death, I am getting that much more cranky about the OPP (other people's problems). Time becomes more sensitive & quality of time spent with others becomes more and more of a priority.

I've noticed I've become less and less interested in shallow relationships. I've stopped corresponding to people over the internet, those whom I do not ever see. I remember back in the day I'd have internet friends, people whom I have contact with only online. Today it feels like I'm wasting my time. I no longer want to invest an iota of time or energy in relationships with people who don't appear to be putting much effort into it. The acquaintances & peripheral pals are going out the wayside.

I am surrounded by friends & hobbies these past 2 weeks. The sailing has been fantastic - even when the wind has been murderous & I'm in fear of capsizing. The adrenaline is stupendously rewarding. I've been doing things I enjoy - like seeing Hugh Jackman sing & dance (droooooool), going to the fair, walking around enjoying the sun, going to therapy, happy hour by myself & people watching. Gone are the boys of summer, the casual affairs, the casual anything. Casual is getting stuffed into storage with the rest of the boob shirts and skanky clothes. I want real relationships, good relationships, people whom I can connect with & feel like a blessed human being with. People I know who care about me. People whom I can FEEL.

I've never been one to care about other people's opinions... ever since I was little I never gave a shit about what my peers were doing. I've always gone my own way, dancing to the beat of my own drum. While the kids were learning their colors in kindergarten, I was sketching with charcoal & oil sticks. Not once have I been able to relate to my peers, even at a young age, so why would I give a rat's ass what they think about me now? Those people have never mattered. But I've always sought approval of the "experts", the other folks who I thought to be wiser & more knowledgeable. I want that knowledge, that wisdom.

I remember a few months after my mother's death, everyone in school commented (behind my back) how chipper I was. How cold hearted I must be, at 15 years of age, to move on so quickly, be so bubbley, & happy so soon after my only parent's death. First they looked at me with pity, then they looked at me with suspicion, then finally they looked at me as something utterly bizarre. I'm sure if people were to start looking at me normal I'd probably freak out and not know what to do. I have rarely ever felt the need to explain myself to others. And those that knew me well... well, I didn't need to explain it to them. They understood. The OP? meh. Why waste my breath with people I don't care about?

To this day I am strange, bizarre, & just plain odd to many people. I don't feel a need to be understood. I've always found that people who care about me, they understood without my having to go into essays about it. And the most important thing is for me to understand me. As long as I understand what's going on with me, I don't really care if others understand me or not. I just want to be having the time of my life. And I am.

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As for this week's plans, it's Monday & my week is jammed full already. Tomorrow I have a play to go to with George. Wednesday is sailing. Thursday is a sailing seminar by one of the top sailors in the world - a tactician for Team BMW Oracle. He's gonna be in the America's Cup. Friday is dinner with Mark, Saturday is a sake tour, and Sunday is Bay to Breakers! Whooppeee!