Rabbit Hole

I have an OKCupid profile that says I'm looking for friends. And I've met a few friends already - a few men and a few women. The women are smashingly wonderful. The men... yeah most of them just want in my pants so I don't take any of them seriously at all. However there is one that excites me. This one just may be trouble. And I haven't had this kind of delicious trouble in years. I want him the way I want an Audi R8, full of drool and desire to take it home and play with it forever and ever. Oh dear.

We've been chatting for nigh on two weeks now and it just keeps getting better and better. I dislike dating doctors, but I must make an exception for this one. He's got ego written all over, like most doctors are wont to have. But his wicked sense of humor makes it all okay. His confidence is exciting. His IQ is probably higher than mine. I'm probably better looking than he is and that makes me feel a little better. He's a sharp one and I'm balancing on a very fine edge.

Needless to say it'd be too dangerous to get attached. For starters, I'm nowhere near ready to get involved in an affaire de coeur. My heart is still too battered. And if there's any falling going on, it won't be mine. Not the first one anyhow. Secondly, he's an anesthesiologist in BFE North Dakota. He is setting roots up in SF though. It's a strange situation. And all sorts of demons are coming out in my head.

Last night I was very pensive thinking about this. I've gone through several stages of healing... the Dutch guy was light, shallow fun with a stranger. B was therapeutic sex with a caring friend. This... this will not be shallow and he's not a long time friend. He's a date. Gives me a queasy feeling. This is full on dating with a stranger that might lead down the primrose path.

He's bought a ticket one night and booked the hotel in SF and I will be meeting him there Friday night. I'll be spending all of Saturday with him. I've been girly excited all week. But then the demons have shown their heads. So I ran all this by MF... I trust his insight. He knows these things. I can't put a foot wrong and smash my head into a wall, metaphorically speaking. It's been too traumatic the last few years... I can't afford to do something stupid. What if I freak out during sex? With the Dutch guy it was easy... I shut my mind off and everything else - only my body was on. And I had no intention of ever having a relationship with him. With B it was a bit more difficult, but it was B - years of friendship, trust, goodwill, etc. It made it all better. Plus we never had any intention of dating. With the doc... well he's a doctor. That actually does make me feel better. But he is someone I've yet to meet. He doesn't live here. With him, everything is on - my body, mind, heart, everything. It's like jumping into the ocean again after almost drowning. I've dipped my toes a few times, but this is the full jump. Gulp.

I want to do this. I'm just a tiny bit scared. I'm taking the necessary baby steps to be a whole person again. And this is a necessary step - opening myself to another person. A date. I mean, a real one this time. All those other dates I go on are from sheer boredom with uninteresting people. I go in knowing it'll lead nowhere. So no risk. This one has lots of risk. And after talking to MF, it cleared my head a bit and cleared out some trepidation.

Let's see what Friday brings. I'm ready to take this baby step forward in my journey. Just doesn't mean I'm without some nervousness.