Cruel to be Kind?

Yet the morning came too soon and by afternoon the tone was not good. He said some rather mean things. I'm not sure what set him off, but the words I've heard before. Except this time I just could not roll them off my back and ignore them like usual. It was not usual. It hurt. Something had changed, these words now mattered. The tears started rolling down my cheeks and in my shock I tried to roll away, look out the window and wish I wasn't there. Except he wouldn't let me go. More words came, but not by me; I became incoherent with sobs. And tightly he held me, my head shoved against his shoulders, my body wracking against his. I just sobbed and choked on my tears. I salted him with it. He said I needed to cry, that crying was good, that I needed to let it out. Easier said than done. I almost hated him for it. Certainly it was very cruel. He was being intentionally cruel. But he said crying was cathartic. It made me wonder what the hell he knew about crying and how cathartic it was? I felt like someone was using me as a punching bag.

But afterwards the words were no longer mean. They were careful and gentle and he made love to me. Later that day I called him to thank him. For making me cry. I hadn't sobbed like that since my mother died. I finally figured out what he was trying to do. I'm just not a fan of being cruel to be kind, especially when used on me!

What I don't know is what led him to do it. I also don't know what it means. I don't know how this will affect our relationship. Before, everything was so straightforward. Now that we're both emotionally invested, things have become rather muddied. What was he trying to do ultimately? I don't believe a person like him could not have an agenda. And it frightens me how emotionally involved I am. It frightens me how easily he's stripped me bare of all my barriers. I'm completely and utterly exposed... to him of all people! I told him that he was getting to me, his words are getting to me and what a horrible event that was. It's like a train wreck. He agreed. But I don't think I will ever forget the way he held me.