Trying

It's been quite a while since I've written. I've been quite busy hanging out with friends and being exclusive with Alex. What was once a science project is now an endeavor towards working on myself - eradicating all the fears and triggers that impede me from being having a healthy relationship with others, being a good girlfriend, and a kind, loving, and generous person.

The first time someone called him my boyfriend, I freaked out and got drunk and picked a fight with him. He was ready to dump me on the spot. The poor chap was quite mystified at the turn. But being the decent guy that he is he wasn't about to break up with a drunk girl. We talked and I pour my guts out. I profusely apologized. And from then on I actively made an effort to be on time, to not keep him waiting, to be loving, sweet, generous, considerate, etc. I aim to be the best girlfriend a man could have.

But from then every night I have nightmares. In these awful dreams my ex was coming to kill me. Some nights my ex would kill both of us. Other nights it had nothing to do with my ex but the dreams are still horrible. I do not wake up with sweats and a staggering heart, but calmly and quite detached. I told him about one of the dreams - when we were in LA together over one weekend. That my ex was coming after the both of us. We snuggled. I haven't talked about it since.

I am getting calmer about being a girlfriend, facing my fears, and talking myself through it. The control issues are going away. I do not want to be in control and I do not relinquish it so he can be in control. Instead we are a partnership of control, a back and forth of equals. I am stating my needs and seeing that they are met. I am also seeing that his needs are met; I am doing what I can so his appetite is fed, sexually satisfied, mentally challenged, and maintain his interest. Some times I fail and get stuck in the cobwebs, but I wrest myself out of it and bring the focus back.